OPEN THREAD 20200427

This is the daily OPEN THREAD for today.

Our purpose is the utter destruction of the criminal CCP.

Anything can be posted on this thread – we have free speech.

That said, everybody else does, too.

And we do have a rule.

Don’t get in front of our weapons.

W

11 thoughts on “OPEN THREAD 20200427

  1. A woman was angry because her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction.

    Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dresser and pick up the note.

    He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

    He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door.

    She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”

    Liked by 4 people

  2. This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

    Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pyjamas, his wife gone….

    Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: “Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I’ve left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love.”

    Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. “What happened, boy? What’s all this?”

    “Well, dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes, you began to push her and yell: ‘Leave me alone, you skank! I’m a married man!'”

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

    First bloke: ‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.’

    Second bloke: ‘That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.’

    Third bloke: ‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.’

    They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

    Fourth bloke: ‘I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

    ‘Fishing or Sex?’ and she said: ‘Wear sun-block.’

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Late hits — too short to hold up the pillar:

    My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night
    when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

    “What’s the matter”? I asked.

    “There are burglars in the kitchen. “I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

    “That’ll teach them!” I replied.

    ******************************************************

    A husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want! Afterwards you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

    The wife replied,”The fuckin’ funeral director would be my first guess….”

    ******************************************************

    A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: “Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?” And Sarah says, “Yes, I am here.”

    He then says: “Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?” And they reply, “Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last.”

    And he says: “Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?” And they too tell him that they are here.

    So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, “If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?”

    Liked by 4 people

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