OPEN THREAD 20200329

Basically, all legal free speech is allowed. We will assist the authorities in dealing with illegal speech. You are each other’s moderators. Have fun. And don’t forget to MAGA at nuclear levels.

After going through the elements, we now enjoy a sequence of RANDOM somewhat pseudo-random topics that will be thrown out for investigation and commentary on each open thread. At some point, in a way something like composite numbers, I will accidentally hit a second occurrence of one of them – that’s just normal.

Have fun!

Citizen U

(a.k.a. W on the OTHER site)

Day 144 – The Gross & Bottle Rockets (our first double-topic)

13 thoughts on “OPEN THREAD 20200329

  1. OK, to start with, I have no idea what the subject actually means. Day 144 — The Gross, sounds like it’s just about a gross of something. My dad got a golf trophy for “most gross” at a tourney where he actually shot 144 (and the highest count in the tourney) — to put this in perspective, the average golf hole is about a par 4; there are 18 holes; and that would be par 40+32 = 72…..or half of 144.

    For me, bottle rockets are cheap aerial fireworks on sticks that can be launched from glass bottles that hold them upright. They go up about 30-40 feet and go bang, sometimes knocking over the bottle on launch. Professional fireworks can be much bigger and more impressive, but launch from mortars instead of coke-bottles.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A plumber in San Diego arrived at his next job only to find his client was going out. Worried about the clients Rottweiler, the man asks if he could come back later. Aware of the plumber’s insecurity the client says, “Don’t worry about the dog — he won’t hurt you — but, whatever you do, don’t talk to the parrot!”. Heeding the client’s warning he walks into the house and into the kitchen.

    Feeling more confident about the Rottweiler, he starts working on the sink. Barely after starting he notices the parrot sitting by the Rottweiler…..all of a sudden, the parrot bursts out with a bunch of insults. Almost half way through the job, the plumber starts to steam up. Finally, he angrily tells the bird to shut up. All of a sudden the bird becomes silent, then — very quietly — the bird says, “Sic him, Rex.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. On coming home from a late night at the office, the partner at a prestigious law firm discovered that his basement was flooded. He summoned a plumber. The plumber arrived soon afterward, with a spare set of overalls and a cap that said “Blue Collar Guy”. The lawyer, still dressed in his expensive suit, silk tie, and gleaming wingtips, chuckled. “I like your hat,” he said. “But you’re the first plumber I’ve met who brought a change of clothes to a job.” The plumber smiled.

    The plumber went down into the basement, and the lawyer heard him working downstairs. Before too long, the plumber came back upstairs. “I’m almost done down there. I’m going to write up your bill, then I’m going to go out to my truck for a tool I need to finish up.” The plumber added, “The overalls and hat you asked me about, they’re not for me. I’m looking for a new assistant, and I was hoping you might know somebody who wanted the job.”

    The lawyer responded, with more than a hint of condescension, “I’m a lawyer. Who would I know who would want to work as a plumber?” The plumber shrugged, and handed the lawyer his bill. A couple of minutes later, when the plumber returned from his truck, found the lawyer, dressed in the hat and overalls. “I had a chance to look over your bill while you were out,” the lawyer said. “You found yourself an assistant.”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
    The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, “How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.” But he pays it anyways.

    The plumber tells him, “Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don’t like educated people.”

    The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

    On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, “What is the formula for the area of a circle?”

    John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn’t belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,

    “Switch the limits on the integral!”

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

    Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

    Child: How about being a doctor?

    Dad: That’s right!

    Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer….


    Liked by 1 person

  6. A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend. “How did you break your leg?” asked the friend. “It’s like this,” he replied: “This guy had promised his wife that he would fix the sink plumbing on a particular day. That day, he realised he would need to stay late at work, so he called me. I stopped by the man’s office for the house key, and went to work. When the wife got home, she saw my bottom half protruding from the sink cabinet. She assumed it was her husband, and proceeded to remove my trousers and give me some.… intimate attention.”

    “Then the phone rang, and the woman left to answer it. When she returned, she angrily said, ‘That was my husband on the phone…who are YOU?’ I was so startled, when I got up to reply, I bumped my head and was knocked out. The woman pulled me out, and must have fastened my trousers and called an ambulance.”

    “When the medics were carrying me out, they asked what had taken place – and when I told them, they laughed so hard that they dropped me. That’s when I broke my leg!”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

    “What is all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring the customers!”

    “I’m just sitting here on the head and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my balls.” So, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says… “You idiot!”

    “You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

    Liked by 1 person

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